It's a love hate heartbreak

So, Easter. I'm not Christian, but I enjoy spending some time with good food and family. I can't say I'm savvy on Christian lore, but I believe the day celebrates Jesus's rise from the grave. That's really the extent of my knowledge. By my understanding here...it's a little ironic that some issues in my past decided to crawl from the grave to torment me. It would take me a novel to discuss things that happened to me growing up, but the most recently essentially is that my father and his side of the family do not talk to me...for years The last time I told just a part of my life story I had people in the room crying and got a standing ovation. It was a little weird to me. If they cried at what I told...they would explode at some other stories.

Anyway

The fiance and I drove back to our hometown to go out to an early dinner with his family, at a local joint that's popular in with the locals. We were basically finished eating, just relaxing, and I started thinking about how that last time I was there on Easter was with my father...thus YEARS ago. I started thinking about what I would do if they were at the same restaurant. It is my constant fear when I go home that I'll run into these people. I seriously thought I was hallucinating for a minute when I seen my grandmother walk by...then I seen an uncle's significant male other walking around too. I literally panicked. I didn't think my head just took control of the situation I guess. I very much ran out of the restaurant. Keep in mind I have not seen any of these people since we parted ways because they were mad at me for going to college....I'm stuck up and money hungry was the nice way to put what I was called for wanting to better myself. I got up, asked my fiances family to excuse me and I would meet them in the car because half of my family I don't get along with were in the restaurant. I walked as fast as I could out of there with my head down. I was still noticed by an uncle I hear nasty things about (again it would take me a novel to write my history). I smiled and said hi as i kept walking, but did not even close to stop. I did not see my father there...but I was afraid he was coming soon or something and I would NOT have been able to hold it together. He pretty much ripped out my heart and spit on it 5 years ago.

I felt ridiculous leaving my fiances family. It really was a lose lose situation. Either i gracefully..sorta..left and avoided any conflict that might have rose...or I sit there and PRAY no one comes up to the table and says anything nasty. Again, I didn't really think. I panicked and left. At least we were pretty much done eating. I've tried to avoid letting my fiance's family knowing too much about my background. We got back to the fiance's family's house and I was shaking....his mom asked if I was cold...I wasn't. It was just awkward all around. My aunt was super supportive though which I really appreciated. She told me I've come a long way and that's great...and my fiance's family will love me even more because they got a taste of some things I've been through to see where I am now. It was a lovely sentiment, I can't speak to whether it's true or not.